Like Monday’s entry Shark Kill, Spring Break Shark Attack was a made-for-television movie, in this case a CBS Sunday night attempt at counterprogramming Desperate Housewives. This gambit is made explicit in the opening scene, in which four MILFy types floating in an inflatable raft enjoy cheese, wine and catty remarks before being devoured by sharks. Cute, sure, and emblematic of the overall disposability of the project; watching the movie four years later, divorced of its original context, I would never have made the connection if not for my diligent research on behalf of this column.
“There are no sharks in Venice,” we are told several times in the movie entitled Sharks in Venice. There are a few other things that aren’t found in Venice, most notably the cast of Sharks in Venice (that is, unless their scenes were shot on a soundstage in Venice, California). Said cast is headlined by Stephen Baldwin, best known nowadays as the Jesus freak of the Baldwin clan, but here playing David Franks, a low-rent Indiana Jones-style college professor/ archaeologist/ swashbuckler who jets to Venice, Italy with his fiancée when he learns his father has gone missing on a diving expedition.
Once again it’s every Discovery Channel fan’s favorite week of the year – Shark Week! For the 22nd straight year, the nature network gets to have its cake and eat it too by airing (and re-airing and re-airing) documentaries with terrifying titles like Great White Appetite and Sharkbite Summer, all in the name of shark conservation. You see, these so-called man-eaters are simply misunderstood! Here at the Screengrab in Exile we’re all about misunderstanding, so we choose to celebrate Shark Week with a quintet of sharksploitation movies…just when you thought it was safe to go back to the video store.